Record Of The Week

Johann Strauss: Walzer
Performed by the Boston Symphony Chamber Players
Label: Deutsche Grammophon
Country: Germany
Date: 1979
Current value: US$90 -150





"A word from prominent French military figure Guillaume Brune..."


People you fancy but shouldn't (part1)

Vanessa Bloome from Bee Movie.



You know you would.
Well, I would. Thrice.

The Haunted Wardrobe Cupboard

I don’t believe in ghosts or any relative concepts like reincarnation, or anything that even faintly advocates the idea of life after death. (However having said that, I do believe in the Rainbow-Coloured Elephant Man) It’s a rather cowardly and self-justified perspective produced by man to believe that one’s life does not end at one’s physical demise. A self-imposed natural resistive response towards the instinctive, inherent and eternal fear of death. All things die. All living things fear death such is the burden of life. It blatantly proposes that life itself doesn’t ever stop, end, that one actually passes onto a place of eternal bliss, peace, and what not. An understandably very human, positive, the prospect of something after death is, evidently desperate in search of satisfying hope. Hence, I find most horror/ghost stories/films or any anything that says there's anything after death ultimately an optimistic story. It is. Infact, I won’t at all be surprised to find majorly the people who claim to see “ghosts” also see the “glass half full”!

But an unexpectedly “inexpensive” purchase from the local flea market has clearly presented a massive contradiction to my view. I am absolutely convinced that my newly purchased wardrobe cupboard is haunted! The series of eerie occurrences involving the cupboard over the past few days has led me to consider otherwise- like for instance, wardrobe cupboards aren’t supposed to secrete slimy rancid glowing fluids (like women) right? Or EAT PEOPLE? Unless you buy your furniture from Big Bazaar…
...I think NOT!

"50% flat off on this self-stabbing Bean Bag! Take it or leave it!"
The seller, he said, the cupboard goes along well with the colour of my pants that I was wearing. *blush*

I was excited like a little child on Christmas morning, having acquired an unbelievably brilliant bargain on a rare fine looking cupboard and all I needed now was to buy some clothes (as I didn’t have any) but I didn’t, because that would have cost extra as I was planning on buying a house for the cupboard and myself to stay in first and move out of my roadside cardboard home.


 Isn’t she a beauty? *tears*

I was indeed happy; at least, I was at first. But my delight and excitement was very short-lived as I immediately found out and realized over the following weeks that I may have initially overlooked certain questionable aspects of this investment and received more than what I originally bargained for! I paid for a nice antique wardrobe cupboard, DEFINITELY NOT a psychotic antique wardrobe cupboard monster that eats people/pets/household objects/grandma and tries to dissolve you by vomiting acid on you during the night while you are asleep.

Following is the record of all the eerie occurrences and the horrifying experiences that I’ve endured over the weeks since I bought the cupboard and compiled:

Sure signs your wardrobe cupboard is haunted:

When one finds skeletons in one’s closet… LITERALLY! (one of them later turned out to be Uncle Gilford)


When your own reflection tries to chew your arm off.


When the cupboard starts dry humping guests.


When the mirror on the cupboard turns out to be a portal to the netherworld.


When your clothes develop a very embarrassing habit of mysteriously transforming into wearables of the opposite sex.



Your new found appreciation for “alternative fashion”.


When your favourite shirt tries to kill you.


When once missing objects start mysteriously reappearing within your pockets like Grandma’s long lost tongue, Uncle Gilford’s right ear, somebody’s nipple, grandpa, etc;


Most recent picture of me. This is what I was turning into and that was it! I’ve had enough!


My newly purchased set of clothing hangers lay untouched on my coffee table, as I could not use them since the cupboard once tried to strangle me with those. All I could do now is cry.



So if anybody wants to buy a nice looking people-eating wardrobe cupboard then do contact me right now! PLEASE! The first person who calls, wi






The author appears to have died. Luckily, his sole companion his parrot picked this article up along with some remaining pieces of his nose(?)

SOMETHING STINKS IN YOUR ROOM JEFFREY!(Part 1)



TOO MUCH AWESOMENESS!

 * Censored for your safety

As the above person would have attested, sadly, he cannot now. Well… he’s dead. The unfortunate bloke became a victim of the unspeakably underestimated, but vastly devastating effects of too much awesomeness, which happens to be vastly devastating, but unspeakably underestimated which consequently, occurs to be a vastly underestimated, but an unspeakably devastating cause of death.

More people die of involuntary exposure to too much awesomeness than by getting hit by an airborne Green Day album traveling at 150km/h thrown out in a fit of rage by disgusted customers /or death due to the social humiliation of owning the new Coldplay album(any) /or by actually listening to it /or certainly while reading this textual disaster. Which statistically is quite high and therefore, immensely alarming.

So many questions are bound to arise like, what exactly is too much awesomeness? What is it? Who is it? What exactly does it looks like? How can one understand it? What is Rosemary’s baby up to these days? Mother Superior Jumped the Gun?  Now, you don’t seriously expect me to know the answers to these very stupid important questions now, do you?

Well, I do don’t. Nobody does. Too much awesomeness is beyond human comprehension. Bob knew, but he couldn’t take it. However, since you want to know, you just have to, HAVE to know…


No no no! That’s too much shite!


Gosh! No NO! That’s not it either!


Now kids you most certainly won't find it hiding under your feets!

 
Awww shucks!

 
Darn! Not again!

 
GODDAMN IT!!  

Dr.Winston O' Sulk: “What are you doing here? This article talks only of things that are unbearably awesome!”

Abhishek Bachchan: “Oh dear! Then I am a pointless paradox?! Therefore, I cease to exist!” 
NOOO!!!”
*puff* 


 
According to visually impaired Mr.Edward Noeyez (pictured left with his son), too much awesomeness looks like this.


Since the governments of these nice people were oh-so incredibly awesome, these nice people just couldn’t handle those superior levels of awesomeness.


HOW MUCH CAN ONE MAN TAKE? Ahhhh!!!

Well statistically speaking, about 5.79666/50th of the total awesomeness well that’s just about it, beyond that… it’d be a remarkable display of utter futility! Ahhhh!!!

Classic example of a man(?) who couldn’t take it once in contact/near too much awesomeness. Ahhhh!!!

*Women: approximately 2.30478441% of the 5.79666/50th out of the total awesomeness, the universally verified safest amount that an average healthy man can take. Ahhhh!!!

*Feminists: Divide the female amount with the square root of 54, then multiply with 18, add 0.1995, divide it with the cube root of 3.14159265358979323846, subtract 7.0112005, finally multiply with 0 to get the final value. Ahhhh!!!

Here are some graphs depicting something very important, I think ( ... ) Yes, yes, very important.

*Note: The author assures you that these extremely important scientific breakthroughs were done by real scientists! True.
*(Graphs were done by my neighbour)

Some scientists, seen here doing something important. The one in the right is prettier.


Dr. Timmy Bluecock head of this significant scientific study (part-time human experimental drug tester) whose scholarly work in the fields of too much awesomeness gained widespread notoriety ever since the release of Superman 4. Sadly, we lost him last month due to an unfortunate grizzly incident involving 27 dead pigeons, parts of a lizard penis, many not-so-pleasant pictures of  Clint Howard's Hawaii vacation and an industrial-strength power-drill (illegally acquired).

Based on years of meticulous research and in accordance with the resulting zettabytes of data and studies and despite 19 (real)scientists losing their lives and leaving other 8 violently crippled, Dr. Timmy Bluecock and his team(all real scientists!) have developed a factual scientific rendition of what too much awesomeness looks like:

Now you seriously didn't expect me to reveal such extremely dangerous information to the public now did you? Too much knowledge will destroy you, which in this case, it will... literally!













More pictures of our scientists (working hard to decode the "awesomeness" in  too much awesomeness)

Ok. 

Vacation pictures of our scientists.











Wait a minute...











Stop There! 

 




















NoNo MORE! STOP!



ATTENTION:

Due to the potentially hazardous nature of the content of this article, and since the article itself couldn’t take itself anymore, the author sincerely apologies for abruptly ending it due to obvious growing safety concerns.


Dedicated to Bob who just couldn't take it.

Nothing.

















He fell funny, but everything is OK.